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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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As the night rolls on, I’m exhausted. I’ve poured a million drinks, listened to a million stories, and dodged a million spills. But then, this old lady comes in. She’s a regular, always sits at the same spot. She orders her usual, a glass of red wine. I pour it, and she starts telling me about her life.

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